Killing Time

Or at least it will give you really REALLY bad headaches. Take my word for it.

I have been keeping myself busy for the past few days. While dusting and updating my portfolio I realised I need a scanner to digitise all these materials that I produced and I don’t have one! The slim and impossibly cute Konica digital camera that I have has gone bonkers (in all fairness, it is 3 years old and counting, long before the digital camera revolution swept the country). Tak apa. Let’s pray lightning strikes twice and someone will gift me a Digital Camera again this year.

My mood has improved tremendously since the last time I posted something in here. The rain helped.

(from Wikipedia: This beautifully moving drama is based on the real-life struggles of a 15-year-old girl named Aya who suffered from an incurable disease, but lived life to the fullest until her death at 25. The script is based on the diary Aya kept writing until she could no longer hold a pen. The book that later followed entitled “One Litre of Tears" has sold over 1.1 million copies in Japan alone.

Aya’s only wish was “to live." By carefully depicting Aya’s earnest desire to live, and the love of her family, friends, and lover, the drama, “One Litre of Tears" wishes to deliver her simple but strong message: “Just being alive is such a lovely and wonderful thing." —Fuji TV)

Speaking of dusting, I saw that we have the 1 Litre of Tears (Ichi Ritoru no Namida) Box Set, this Japanese dorama that Awa was raving about.  The title should be taken as a literal warning. I haven’t watched it but the title is telling. I wrote probably two lines of a song (ending with "1 litre of tears is all I leave behind") while thinking of what the girl, Aya, must have been feeling but then decided it was too depressing.

I have been thinking about death and the whole dying process. I suppose everyone does. No?  Well I do. And it worries me. Not the dying. But what comes after … like the unpaid bills, study loans, funeral costs et cetera. See, even when I am morbid I am practical. So, this is a new to-do thing that will be added into my new year’s resolution tally: once the new job is sorted out I will get my house and finances in order, review my insurance policies and EPF nominations, schedule half-yearly physicals (instead of yearly, which I always do roundabout the time of my birthday)… all those responsible, scary adult stuff. I really must start behaving like one now that I am merely 8 years away from retirement. Oh! Retirement fund. See, I knew I was forgetting something.

But till then, just being alive is such a lovely and wonderful thing!

1

When I was 17, I broke my arm for being too cocky during hockey practice. As a result, I had to wear a cast for 3 months. It was around the same time when the school was preparing for our annual sports meet. As I was good for nothing else, the teacher-in-charge put me in charge of equipment –meaning I had to look after them, pack them up and lug them back to the sports store room at the end of each practice.

I was standing alone at the end of the field when I saw the rest of the students running towards the direction of the dining hall. It occurred to me that it must have been 6.30pm and that the dinner bell had rung. So, mumbling and cursing my luck, I started to pack the equipment with my good arm while feeling very angry that no one bothered to offer any help. Then, I saw someone walking towards me from the distance. It was Jai. He silently helped me to pack up the equipment, then when we were done, he said "I’ll walk you back to the dorm". T

That was 15 years ago.

2

A phone conversation in 1999. I told Jai that he has to listen to Matchbox 20. He said he did. And he said he knows which song would hit me the most. I laughed and said he won’t be able to. Then he said, "Leave". I stopped laughing. How did he know?

3

Some time in 2002. I was angry about this Italian guy that I was seeing. I can’t recall exactly why. Jai sent me an email that ended with these words.. "If someone a hundred miles away can make you happy, so be it." In the next email, when I was raging over a different matter, he wrote "Why are you so angry? I never said a word when you were with Maman even though it hurt me too."

Postscript

Three days ago I dreamt of Jai. For some inexplicable reason, whenever I hear the song Drawing by Mr Children, I will think of him. In the dream, we were having an argument and I said to him, "You never gave me a chance!". He looked at me oddly and said with a raised voice, "I gave you 15." I woke up immediately and thought of the three things above. He had said this to me before. I knew it. But I struggled to remember when.

The words may not be exactly the same, but you know what I mean.

Of all the stupid and mean things that I have done to people (and most of them done intentionally rather than accidentally), Jai is the only person that keep recurring in my subconcious.

It was August 2003. I was playing Wild Arms 3 on the PS2. There was a feeling of impending doom that enveloped me the whole day long but I could not put a finger to it. Suddenly it occurred to me, I have lost Jai. I sent him an sms, "If you are seeing someone else, you are breaking my heart.". His reply? "I am sorry." Then the phone call. Then the stop-talking. We never spoke since.

I think.. I owe him. An apology.

Artist: Mr. Children
Title: Drawing
Words: Sakurai Kazutoshi
Music: Sakurai Kazutoshi

I suddenly had a momentary flashback of the scenery I dreamed of in my far far off childhood.
The young girl who kissed my cheek while laughing overlaps with you.

The floating time is marked by the faint rays from the cloudy sky
I wonder if I can pack air tight this wonderful troublesome feeling?

Even if I draw it, as time goes on, something will fade.
Forever is always a fleeting shapeless shadow,
with you, by me

If I could draw better and better pictures
what I really want to draw is you.
for me, you are, in short, those little points
and everything in total.

The real answer is slumbering within the foolishness and lies
I wonder if we can make it through this wonderful hasty life three legged?

No matter what I draw you’ll definitely be in the picture.
I know it when I take a deep breath with my eyes closed.
You’re always in my notepad.

Even if I draw it, as time goes on, something will fade.
Forever is always a fleeting shapeless shadow,
with you, by me
and always in my notepad.

Translated By: Brian Stewart & Takako Sakuma at www.centigrade-j.com

Translator’s Notes: "three-legged" means like with one of each person’s legs bound to one of the other person’s legs. Like in a three legged race.

Artist: Matchbox Twenty
Title: Leave

Its amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all

Its unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell

Im not saying there wasnt nothing wrong
I just didnt think youd ever get tired of me
Im now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didnt wanna let it get away from me

But if thats how its gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then well see whos sorry now
If thats how its gonna stand, when
You know youve been depending on
The one youre leaving now
The one youre leaving out

Its aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out

Im not saying there wasnt nothing wrong
I just didnt think youd ever get tired of me
Im now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didnt wanna let it get away from me

But if thats how its gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then well see whos sorry now
If thats how its gonna stand, when
You know youve been depending on
The one youre leaving now
The one youre leaving out

The one youre leaving now
The one youre leaving out

Im not saying there wasnt nothing wrong
I just didnt think youd ever get tired of me

But if thats how its gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then well see whos sorry now
If thats how its gonna stand, when
You know youve been depending on
The one youre leaving now
The one youre leaving out

Tell me is that how its going to end
When you know youve been depending on
The one youre leaving now
And the one youre leaving out

The one youre leaving now
The one youre leaving out

4

As I wrote this, I remember a fourth memory. One morning, I put in a cassette in the tape deck and pressed play. It was a mix tape that I didn’t recognize, one that I have never played. I puzzled over its existence and knew I would only be able to understand it if I listen to what it contained.

It was Thursday, November 23, 2004. I remember because I wrote about it. I had no idea that this tape existed and finding it shocked me. I, too, have given tapes to people in past. There are only 2 reasons for doing so : (1) to persuade them to listen to something that they otherwise will never listen to; or, as in most of the cases, (2) to say something that I can’t say using someone else’s poetry.

The tape must have been given to me either in a moment when I was barely paying attention or left in my belongings with the hope that I would notice its existence. Either way, I was the careless one.

I played it. There was an unfamiliar song in side B. The song itself was nothing spectacular. The lyrics, were telling.

I knew what the tape was supposed to convey. I remembered what he said to me the last time we spoke. He said I was too late. I had my chance. When he said it then, I was furious. Too late for what? What chance? What the hell was he talking about? What did I miss?

There is a moral somewhere in this story. At that time, I missed it. How? Because I only listened to the tape, for the first time ever, two years later.

It was from Jai.

This is going to be my last blog entry for a while. Several things and changes are taking place. Good? Bad? C’est la vie. If you want to keep in touch, mail me at ijah@email.com. I leave you with an article from citynoise about a frozen cat. Warning: this is not for the squeamish. Or cat lovers. It will just upset you. Don’t say I didn’t try! See you in E3 2007 (16-18 May, 2007, City of Angels).

This is inspired by Oprah. I was watching the one where she has this guy showing how stuff works. Here’s the history of video games, for all you nerds out there who’d always wanted to know but were too afraid to ask: The History of Video Games

Yesterday, in my attempt to cook, I broke 2 ketchup bottles and a new bottle of mango chutney which I have been saving to eat for months (one of those impulsive buys that I never seem to grow out of). Total cleaning up time: 30mins, total time cooking: 0. Next time, I will stick to things that I can just stuff into the microwave or toaster. In the name of all things sacred, cooking is hazardous to my health.

I think I have paid all my sleep debts in full. Today, I washed my pillows. I think tomorrow I will attempt to fold my clothes and arrange them in a systematical manner but if that is too strenuous I will vegetate in front of the TV instead.

The latest season of Akademi Fantasia starts tonight. Let the madness begins!

DVD LIST

If you have the luxury of time (like I do), a working DVD player and enough Paypal credit to get these DVDs on eBay, watch:

Seven Samurai (Japanese) - my favourite movie of all time. It’s funny, it’s sad, it’s violent, it’s human. It’s about 7 men hired to protect a village from thugs. Sounds so simple, na? My favourite character? Ha. Kyuzo, of course.

Amelie (French) - Audrey Tatou had a successful career before the Da Vinci Code, you know. I remember watching this with Awa and she solved the mystery of the photographs at the photo booths before it was revealed (I did a one up when I solved the Sassy Girl twist). Let me see if I can summarise the movie: it’s about a girl who goes about her daily life decoding/ interpreting the events happening around her whilst looking for love.

My Sassy Girl (Korean) - funny funny funny. It’s one of those childishly funny movies that you should watch with a group of friends so that you can laugh your heads off over the extreme silliness. Watch out for the marching scene in the subway. It’s about a boy who accidentally acquires a girlfriend in the subway, falls in love (of course), loses her, writes the story on the internet, makes a  movie and gets the girl back.

Shaun of the Dead (English) - Actually, I saw this by accident. Oh! It. Is. So. Damn. Funny. Any movie that has a scene of a zombie playing PS2 gets two thumbs up from me. It’s about a group of people who is trying to outrun, outwit, outplay the zombies when they take over London one day. Their zombie impersonations are hilarious.

Love Letter (Japanese) - I can’t say enough how much I like this little movie. It is so sad. Ogenki desuka? Watashiwa genki desu! *shouting at the mountain*. It’s about a girl who writes a letter to her (deceased) fiance and received an unexpected reply in the mail. Is it a letter from the heavens? Has her love come back to be with her?

Run Lola Run (German) - Oh yeah, before The Bourne Identity, Franka Potente was the redhead running throughout the movie ‘Run Lola Run’. It’s about Lola who has 20 minutes to get a s***load amount of money to save her boyfriend’s a**. So, she runs.

High Fidelity (English) - adapted from Nick Hornby’s book of the same name. I love it. It is so true to the book. Jack Black’s character cracked me up. Of course it helps to have the (super) cute John Cusack in the lead. An insight into the male psyche. It’s about how a guy deals with the greatest breakup of his life, in the same way he deals with everything else, with pop music.

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (Japanese) - This is NOTHING like the joke that was Final Fantasy: The Spirit Within. You don’t have to be a Final Fantasy fan to enjoy this movie. Okay. Okay. So the plot can be a little bit complicated if you don’t understand the backstory (or if you have not played the game). The graphics are so next-gen console, you will believe that Cloud Strife is human. It’s about.. well.. good versus evil. A strange sickness is inflicting the world and it’s up to the brooding, non-smiling Cloud to save the day. Ok, so he has to deal with the ghost of his dead girlfriend and JENOVA (the alien form from which Cloud’s superpowers spawned) and the white-haired, impossibly cute Brothers. Zuruzuru. Of course Cloud wins. And he gets to endorse Panasonics’ camera-phone in the process. Yes, people. He’s a celebrity endorser. All’s well.

Constantine (English) - Any movie with Keanu Reeves is a no-brainer. Plot? What plot? I don’t watch these movies for their plots. What I like about Constantine is the anime-inspired camerawork (check out the scene where John throws away his cigarette as he is about the leave the taxi). The plot? You really need me to explain the plot?!

Children of Heaven (Iran) - Normally I stay away from movies starring kids coz I can’t stand the cuteness. This one is about a brother and a sister who share a pair of shoes to go to school. Go get it! It’ll teach you a thing or two about being wasteful.

I can’t resist. Linked here for all eternity: Ten Things I Hate About Job

One day I turned on the GBA and saw the someone had completed the Zelda game under the handle ‘Rain’. Very annoyed, I exclaimed ‘Who played this?’. And my sister Aning said, oi that was MY handle, not yours. I protested and she protested and that was when I discovered that there is this young korean popstar by the name Rain who is all the rage and of course, me being outdated and all, had no clue who this guy is.

In my defense, I have always liked rain. I mean the water drops falling from the sky. It’s my favourite kind of weather. I have written four short stories with the name Rain as the protagonist. That is why, London and I got on like a house on fire. Special shoutout of thanks to Maddy and her room mates at Macready’s House and Miss Awa for taking care of all the tabs (but you stole my jellybeans!) while I was broke, but happy, in London.

To be fair, if you do Kuching, you have to do KK. I have fond memories of the place. No men in skimpy clothing but we had 2 Japanese girls instead! You know the plug, go to Cuti-Cuti if you need assistance to plan for your trip. We stayed at the Hyatt (because that’s where the MAS flight attendants were staying) and Sutera Harbour Resort and Spa. The guide who brought us to the tamu at Kota Belud was hilarious. I forgot his name… vaguely remember it starts with an A but I can’t remember beyond that. We ended up spending the whole day going from one tamu to another. The salted fish was to die for.

I am going to go blog crazy while I have the luxury of time to do so.

This is the travelogue from my fantastic, fantastic trip to Kuching. Click on the photos to read the enlarged, readable version (they’re just 2 photos so you don’t have to click everything). If you wanna visit Kuching, book your holiday with Cuti-Cuti. Great little website with great prices. Oh I should get a commission!

(left: Sir Cecil Harvey as the Dark Knight). I spent the last few days doing absolutely nothing but watching TV and playing Final Fantasy IV on the GBA SP Advance. I barely ate, not because I was so engrossed in the game but because there was nothing to eat (well, there was but I was too lazy… cooking takes too much time and I did that only when I could no longer stand the hunger pangs). Who knew lounging in the living room like a vegetable could be so taxing. *sigh*