Three Memories (for Jai)
1
When I was 17, I broke my arm for being too cocky during hockey practice. As a result, I had to wear a cast for 3 months. It was around the same time when the school was preparing for our annual sports meet. As I was good for nothing else, the teacher-in-charge put me in charge of equipment –meaning I had to look after them, pack them up and lug them back to the sports store room at the end of each practice.
I was standing alone at the end of the field when I saw the rest of the students running towards the direction of the dining hall. It occurred to me that it must have been 6.30pm and that the dinner bell had rung. So, mumbling and cursing my luck, I started to pack the equipment with my good arm while feeling very angry that no one bothered to offer any help. Then, I saw someone walking towards me from the distance. It was Jai. He silently helped me to pack up the equipment, then when we were done, he said "I’ll walk you back to the dorm". T
That was 15 years ago.
2
A phone conversation in 1999. I told Jai that he has to listen to Matchbox 20. He said he did. And he said he knows which song would hit me the most. I laughed and said he won’t be able to. Then he said, "Leave". I stopped laughing. How did he know?
3
Some time in 2002. I was angry about this Italian guy that I was seeing. I can’t recall exactly why. Jai sent me an email that ended with these words.. "If someone a hundred miles away can make you happy, so be it." In the next email, when I was raging over a different matter, he wrote "Why are you so angry? I never said a word when you were with Maman even though it hurt me too."
Postscript
Three days ago I dreamt of Jai. For some inexplicable reason, whenever I hear the song Drawing by Mr Children, I will think of him. In the dream, we were having an argument and I said to him, "You never gave me a chance!". He looked at me oddly and said with a raised voice, "I gave you 15." I woke up immediately and thought of the three things above. He had said this to me before. I knew it. But I struggled to remember when.
The words may not be exactly the same, but you know what I mean.
Of all the stupid and mean things that I have done to people (and most of them done intentionally rather than accidentally), Jai is the only person that keep recurring in my subconcious.
It was August 2003. I was playing Wild Arms 3 on the PS2. There was a feeling of impending doom that enveloped me the whole day long but I could not put a finger to it. Suddenly it occurred to me, I have lost Jai. I sent him an sms, "If you are seeing someone else, you are breaking my heart.". His reply? "I am sorry." Then the phone call. Then the stop-talking. We never spoke since.
I think.. I owe him. An apology.
Artist: Mr. Children
Title: Drawing
Words: Sakurai Kazutoshi
Music: Sakurai Kazutoshi
I suddenly had a momentary flashback of the scenery I dreamed of in my far far off childhood.
The young girl who kissed my cheek while laughing overlaps with you.
The floating time is marked by the faint rays from the cloudy sky
I wonder if I can pack air tight this wonderful troublesome feeling?
Even if I draw it, as time goes on, something will fade.
Forever is always a fleeting shapeless shadow,
with you, by me
If I could draw better and better pictures
what I really want to draw is you.
for me, you are, in short, those little points
and everything in total.
The real answer is slumbering within the foolishness and lies
I wonder if we can make it through this wonderful hasty life three legged?
No matter what I draw you’ll definitely be in the picture.
I know it when I take a deep breath with my eyes closed.
You’re always in my notepad.
Even if I draw it, as time goes on, something will fade.
Forever is always a fleeting shapeless shadow,
with you, by me
and always in my notepad.
Translated By: Brian Stewart & Takako Sakuma at www.centigrade-j.com
Translator’s Notes: "three-legged" means like with one of each person’s legs bound to one of the other person’s legs. Like in a three legged race.
Artist: Matchbox Twenty
Title: Leave
Its amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all
Its unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell
Im not saying there wasnt nothing wrong
I just didnt think youd ever get tired of me
Im now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didnt wanna let it get away from me
But if thats how its gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then well see whos sorry now
If thats how its gonna stand, when
You know youve been depending on
The one youre leaving now
The one youre leaving out
Its aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out
Im not saying there wasnt nothing wrong
I just didnt think youd ever get tired of me
Im now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didnt wanna let it get away from me
But if thats how its gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then well see whos sorry now
If thats how its gonna stand, when
You know youve been depending on
The one youre leaving now
The one youre leaving out
The one youre leaving now
The one youre leaving out
Im not saying there wasnt nothing wrong
I just didnt think youd ever get tired of me
But if thats how its gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then well see whos sorry now
If thats how its gonna stand, when
You know youve been depending on
The one youre leaving now
The one youre leaving out
Tell me is that how its going to end
When you know youve been depending on
The one youre leaving now
And the one youre leaving out
The one youre leaving now
The one youre leaving out
4
As I wrote this, I remember a fourth memory. One morning, I put in a cassette in the tape deck and pressed play. It was a mix tape that I didn’t recognize, one that I have never played. I puzzled over its existence and knew I would only be able to understand it if I listen to what it contained.
It was Thursday, November 23, 2004. I remember because I wrote about it. I had no idea that this tape existed and finding it shocked me. I, too, have given tapes to people in past. There are only 2 reasons for doing so : (1) to persuade them to listen to something that they otherwise will never listen to; or, as in most of the cases, (2) to say something that I can’t say using someone else’s poetry.
The tape must have been given to me either in a moment when I was barely paying attention or left in my belongings with the hope that I would notice its existence. Either way, I was the careless one.
I played it. There was an unfamiliar song in side B. The song itself was nothing spectacular. The lyrics, were telling.
I knew what the tape was supposed to convey. I remembered what he said to me the last time we spoke. He said I was too late. I had my chance. When he said it then, I was furious. Too late for what? What chance? What the hell was he talking about? What did I miss?
There is a moral somewhere in this story. At that time, I missed it. How? Because I only listened to the tape, for the first time ever, two years later.
It was from Jai.
