Killing Time

So I am so angry today I could eat a horse. I probably would have if I wasn’t too lazy to get out from the room and find something to eat.

(I am writing this as I was listening to Try by Nelly Furtado. How cliched can it be, being angry and listening to a song about being unable to try enough?)

As soon I wrote the above my anger dissipated. It is so tiring to be angry and walk around perpetually pissed, don’t you think? It takes just too much energy. What was the word? Shinpai shinai de? Seems easier that way (the wifi is also having a bad day, the signal strength wavers in and out. I am not bothered if it’s not for the fact that I am trying to search for some info about Sri Lanka).

Okay I lied. I am still a little bit angry.

I would love to do an expose of jolieinnyc proportions (if you don’t know what that is, google it) but I think I can wait. 40 is not that far off.

The new apartment is bigger than the old one. But I think in no time we will find all sorts of things to fill it with. That’s the thing with space. It always gets filled. The first thing that struck me is how noisy it was. Back in Ehsan, the apartment faces a row of residential houses so it was all quiet and shady. Here, I face Sunway Pyramid… at night I could hear people laughing, motorbike revving, kids fooling around in the swimming pool.. noise noise noise everywhere.

(I am back to being angry again. It is like a yo-yo, one minute I feel fine, one minute I feel like eating a horse, then I am fine again bla bla bla)

Aaargh I gotta take a shower and cool down. This is driving me nuts.

I think I disappoint my readers. They probably think I am going to write about something sexy and shocking and crazy but I always end a little lukewarm and very parent-approved.

Today I thought about how hard it is not to be affected when someone you love said, "what did you do?"

My first instinct is to defend myself. And I did.

My second instinct is to eat a horse, angry because I have to defend myself and I got even angrier as time passes because after all the time we spent, I still have to defend myself. Aih. There must be an easier way to deal with all these doubts and confusion and whatever. I can’t spend my time convincing people I am who I am, no?

For instance, Ujie’s dealbreaker. She hysterically tore up the house and sent me a 9-page letter accusing me of making my move on Emi. Was I? NOT EVEN! I never answered that letter, or any of her raging accusations. Why should I? For someone who called me her bestfriend, someone who claimed she loves me more than anyone else, for someone who had grown up with me — I still need to defend myself to her? When I said no once, that should be enough. I don’t need to bring home the point.

I suppose now that I am older, I should be able to shrug this off and said f*** if I know. The thing is, it is easy to shrug it off when it’s about people that you don’t give two hoots about. The group of fishwives as an example, can’t even begin to make me bat an eyelid.

It’s just harder when it’s people that you rely on. People that you… trust. Or maybe trust is a very strong word. It shouldn’t have been that way coz God knows I am old enough not to rely on anyone, but still the no-show of support is really….aaargh…..upsetting…. confusing…. it’s just so .. so.. mean. I mean, I am not counting on blind faith, whatever you say is the gospel truth, kind of support.

Just don’t ask me to defend myself because I won’t. It’s too un-classy. Life’s too short for apologies.

Try - words & lyrics by Nelly Furtado
"Try"

All I know
Is everything is not as it’s sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I’m not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn’t seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I’m all I’ll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We’ll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that’s wonderful, and that’s life
And that’s you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

I am nursing a runny nose as I write this but I attribute that to the fact that we are causing a dust storm in the house (it’s moving day) and that it is 2.27am, way past reasonable bedtime for someone as old as I am. But, nothing a caplet of Zyrtec (free endorsement) can’t take care of.

It has been a mad mad race at the office. I am glad that everyday I clear a great deal of work but also alarmed that the amount doesn’t seem to diminish despite. But who am I kidding? I’d rather have 24-hours of stress-induced adrenaline rush than 2-hours of chatting on the msn to a non-existent boyfriend (below the belt). In eight years I will be 40 so I gotta get all these work fetish out of my system. A lot of people ask what will I do after 40. I haven’t really thought of that. Apart from roasting on a faraway beach, drinking young coconuts and watching beach boys flex their sweaty, glistening muscles, I haven’t really got it planned.

Oh, yes…I want to put this on record. I find it fascinating that some people just can’t stop talking about me and if you think that is my paranoia talking let me assure you that it isn’t. This particular paragraph is directed to a select group of people, whom I know will read this blog at some point of time in their lives coz they will, inevitably, want to find out what has been going on with my life. Just because I decided not to partake in this childish office grapevine game doesn’t mean I am not aware of all you overeager fishwives. Here’s a piece of free advice:

(((((GET… A… LIFE!!!)))))

You know who you are.

Back about work, April & early May will be a very busy period whats with V-Malaysia and all that launches. I intend to take a break, and I am using the word break liberally here, right after that. An island holiday was suggested…snorkelling, sleeping on the beach, eating fresh seafood, singing/howling to the full moon. Sounds like fun. I said yes. So, in about 8 weeks or so, I will be prancing half naked on a beach somewhere while the locals look on in amusement (or horror, depending on how you’d interpret their facial expressions). The question is, Who am I going with? The guessing game begiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins… NOW!

Ah, of ex-boyfriends, not-so-ex boyfriends, ex-friends, friends that I don’t really treat like friends anymore et cetera. I have been officially asked to address this. When I started writing this entry, I was convinced I wanted to talk about it but as I go along I lost interest in it again. Sorry. Maybe next time. I am still in the I-am-not-interested-to-talk-about-it mood. Ask me again in 3 months. But keep those grovelling emails coming. I love it when people grovel.

Of my new year resolutions, I have broken probably more than half of them already.

Of you boys out there who think I am interested in getting to know you thus send me smiles and cut and paste messages thinking that would be clever enough to make me want to reply, well, try harder. Or don’t try at all. Trust me, I seldom SELDOM seldom reply to strangers. Hell, I even seldom reply to friends.

I am going to sleep now.