Killing Time

*Redux. 21 July 2007, cross reference the new Killing Time at Wordpress*

This is an entry that I have to put in here and I am going to use actual people’s names so I would like to apologise beforehand for the verbosity because I just need to get this out of my system.

A few months ago I sent Saiful a Skid Row song using www.yousendit.com. This little exchange made him suggest that we should exchange CDs. He’ll give me stuff that he likes and I’ll give him stuff that I like.

Today I received his CD. Tellingly, more than half of the songs he included in his CD are already in my playlist. Of course. Great minds… you know how the rest of the saying goes. I was even more pleasantly surprised when his CD contained Tenacious D’s stuff. I always thought he’s the kind of guy who stays away from songs peppered with profanity (oh Saiful is a very parent-approved kinda guy, I am surprised he’s stayed single this long). Imagine my relief when I saw that he listens to Tenacious D too… because I have included ‘I am The Only Gay Eskimo’ (a very politically incorrect song) on my CD!

But this is not a story about Saiful or his (and my) great taste in music.

This is about 2 particular songs that he included in his CD.

Just yesterday I was going through my Music Folder to choose songs to include in my CD for him. It was an easy choice. Apart from debating about what Japanese stuff I should or shouldn’t include, the rest is as easy as pie. Just click "Burn". Then, on a whim, I decided to include some Malay songs. The usual suspects came to play… Ebiet G Ade’s Berita Kepada Kita (live version with M Nasir), M Nasir’s KepadaMu Kekasih with Hattan and Jamal, Sweet Charity and Ramli Sarip’s Camelia. I also wanted to put in Art Fazil’s Merindu Kepastian and Kopratasa’s Permata but for the love of me I could not find those songs in my current laptop…….

…but, as you would have guessed, this is not about the songs that I chose. It’s about what I decided to leave out.

Just yesterday I stared long and hard at my mobile phone and dialled a number that I have not dialled in 3 years. I was saved only by the fact that the call was unconnected. All this took place as I was listening to ‘Chi No Kuda’ by Mr Children.

Now, I know that Awa would get what I mean when I said I was listening to ‘Chi No Kuda’ (just like how I get what she meant when she talked about ‘Drawing’). For the rest of you, I have included the transliteration of ‘Chi No Kuda’ at the end of this blog so that you too will understand what I mean.

Saiful had Cinta Kita and Seringkali on his CD. My God, the irony is unbearable.

Oh, so many of you will hate me for talking about this old, tiresome story  but I am going to say it for posterity and get this over and done with.

I miss him. There. Sue me.

I don’t know what I mean when I say I miss him. Maybe…I wish we could have been friends. But it seems that everytime our paths cross something else breaks apart.

Looking back, I am ashamed of what I did. To him, to my friends. Many harsh things that I said, or I wrote, were undeserved. God, when you think back about your youth… your stubbornness can really surprise you.

So I want to close this once and for all. Whatever happened between me and Maman, I did it. I thought I was helping but I was wrong. I should not have interfered. I should have not swaggered into the room and acted like I had the right to do or say the things that I did. I should have taken a minute to look around and just sit quietly in a corner and …listen… to what he had to say. But I was young and I was stupid… and regretfully, I think I did more harm than good.  So as far as admissions go, I did this. So I will be held responsible.  Whatever happened, happened. It wasn’t my best moments, but I lived through it and that was enough.

I don’t know if I ever going to have these bouts of melancholy about him again. So before age catches up on me and I forget that this ever happened, I want to put it into record that… I am sorry.

I don’t know why I deserve this but  I had a magnificent support
system. Despite my resisting every attempt to get  sane, these people,
some of them I barely knew, rallied around me and made sure I knew I
could call on their support if I needed to.

So I want to say my thanks. There are many names running through my head right now and I know I should thank them all but mostly, I want to say thanks to…

Ojai for being extremely patient, good-natured and compassionate about the whole matter. I must have been a huge inconvenience, but she just smiled and let me have my stubborn ways. You’re a gem of a friend.

Ita for sticking up for me in various situations that I dragged her into; which was a lot for me to ask for from a sister. I would have told myself to f*** off but you held your own and took it like a pro.

Ji for her understanding and thoughtfulness. In this lifetime or the next, I could not ask for a better friend.

Malau, Dell, Lal, Coyok, Pet, Wed, tOi, milo, DikJa… the whole Kerinchi crew who were too many to name, who filled my old apartment with so much noise and laughter and loyalty that I forgot I was sad. My electricity and grocery bills were outrageous but I realized during those times, you were always there so that I was never alone. 

Abg Reez and Abg Alun for introducing me to these strange people.

Emi for, well, being a distraction. Andy Suswandi for trying.

Nahar.

Jai, who once told me, in writing no less, that it hurt. What can I say? I am insensitive, even when I didn’t mean to. It made me think.

To the other Jai, who told me as we sat in my favourite stall talking about nothing in particular, that I can.

Mie, for his stunning display of allegiance. I miss hanging out with you.

Ucop, for making me laugh over the Actal incident and for finishing my Burger King.

Erna, for the Keanu Reeve’s Matrix Poster and pots of red bone-marrow soup that I never ate but Coyok did.

The whole Singapore posse whom I never get to know properly coz I was too wrapped up in myself.

Ams, Lenny and Alin, who didn’t utter a bad word against me or Maman so as not to hurt my feelings, although it must have been so damn tempting to do so. Sorry I put you guys through that.

Amat, who said, "Who’d the f*** is Maman?"

‘Run To The Water’ by Live… for literally saving me from myself.

Aida, Nikki & Aten for completely missing out on this chapter of my life. It ain’t pretty, to quote JD Fortune from INXS.

And yes, to Saiful, for being the unwitting catalyst to making me come out with this long overdue confession.

*Transliteration for "Chi no Kuda" was done by the good people at centigrade-j.

** Read Awa’s blog: May There’ll Be A Silver Lining for "Drawing" . Cross reference my entry: Get The H*ll Out Of My Dreams.

*** All the songs I mentioned above can be found using Shareaza. Long live open source.
——————————————————
Artist: Mr. Children
Title: Chi no Kuda (Blood Vessels)
Words: Sakurai Kazutoshi
Music: Sakurai Kazutoshi

the surface shines,
further down the river
I watch absentmindedly
I softly close my eyes
and feel you.

it only adds colors
the remnants of those days dear to my heart
fall in my heart,
so much it gets in the way

above the soft skin
I kiss the blood vessels
I remember that night,
and feel alone

Translated By: Brian Stewart & Takako Sakuma